jenndombroski

Ok, so I’m not actually praying to come close to death, but it does make me think. Why do I have to wait until something awful happens to me, why am I waiting to hear that I must change my lifestyle or face an ill fate?  I truly admire people who are faced with medical road blocks and they take them head-on, truly being heroic in order to improve, or save, their own life.

But why should I wait for that to happen? I get a text message from my dad about 5 times a week. Always a short thing “headed to gym. luv dad”. Why don’t I ever go with him? My dad has battled cancer since ‘01, has had numerous surgeries, and went through chemo last year. Why haven’t I learned from that? He is the healthiest person I know, and he has to be in order to prolong his life. Why can’t I step up and take care of me just because that’s what I deserve, not because I have to or else?

So I know that I have started on the path of taking care of myself, but I want to challenge myself to really embrace each minute and to always remember that this eating better and exercising is not torturing me, it’s LOVING me!

I used to go out of my way to buy snacks, usually candy. I would find a reason to go curl up in bed wiht a book (a headache, stomachache, bad day, whatever), and I would then soothe my emotions with sugar. And I won’t lie. It worked. I would, for that moment, feel better. That was my solution for everything. I had a terribly stress filled year building to my wedding in March. We were trying to save money, planning the wedding (of which I did a lot on my own, like making invites and programs), I started grad school, we bought a house, and I’m a social worker to boot! I felt alone in a lot of my endeavors, and I felt responsible for maintaining a cheery demeanor. *grin* I mean, god forbid I admit to someone that I was having a hard time! When I did seek help, I felt I didn’t recieve it. Mike was supportive, but he will never understand the amount of pressure I had on me—most of it I put there myself!

Anyway, I chose my typical method of self-soothing. Cuddling with candy. And I allowed that. I told myself, to stop this would only add to my stress, why not wait until after the wedding?

*smile* Hence my joining this site. I’m here, and I think I’m ready, and I have not had chocolate (my candy of choice—it almost sounds like I’m talking about drugs!) since Sunday…three whole days!!!!

Anyway, random question, if anyone reads this, any thoughts on how often to weigh myself? I feel the need so far to do it each morning. Is that negative? Obsessive? Hope you’re having a good one! Hang in there!

I’m all alone, felling overwhelmed by the day, and want to chill for a bit. I’m a bit hungry. So the big choice was, do I take the time to eat an orange OR do I search and search for something not so good for me, like chocolate (my fave!)? 

I’m so freaking proud of myself. I chose the freaking orange!!!!! I ate it, I’m feeling good, and now I’m writing it down. Well, typing it down.

I got kinda depressed today thinking about summer. My family always does a week or two down the shore, and every year I find some excuse to avoid it. I have three sisters that are built absolutely perfect (not exaggerating. they run around in bikini’s and when they sit they don’t even get  little rolls on their flat bellies). SO Anyway, I avoid it, which makes me feel even worse. I’m the fat one. And on any given day, I’m actually just a fluffy kind of average size. Anyway, so in getting home and feeling like I’m up against a wall, I chose the orange!!!!

Chocolate may momentarily make me feel better (oh god! it would soooo make me feel good!), the orange will help me reach my goal… of being more comfortable in my own skin. Hope you’re all doing well out there. I’m sending happy thoughts out across the internet!!!

So I did it!  I got on the scale this morning!!!  Maybe it was the morning low, or maybe my controling my food intake has actually worked quickly, but I was down two pounds!!! So, while I didn’t wake early enough to walk the dog (my hubby did though!), I still got a boost that I’m on the right track. I even remembered to fill my water bottle!!! I’m really trying to drink more water. Everyone on here keeps talking about the miracle powers of water, so I jumped on the bandwagon.

Yay! Oh, and people have been so nice and supportive! I had been looking for somewhere to write my thoughts, to track my moods and all, but I am now finding that I get an extra boost from the super nice people in my computer (you know what i mean!). Thanks everyone!

Ok, so I ate pretty well today, and now I’m going to have dinner (late because I had grad school) but it will be healthy, sooooo, not too bad.

 My goal for tomorrow:

Weigh myself.

Walk the dog in the morning and after work.

Cross your fingers.

I woke up late, so I didn’t take the dog for a walk, so already I messed up. But I’ve been eating very well all morning, so that’s a gold star for me, right? But on the other hand, I meant to weigh myself this morning, because I pigged out this weekend (probably because I knew that I would be starting over on my road to healthiness).

So overall, I’m doing ok, and the day isn’t over so I still have a chance to redeem myself. I’m actually feeling positive about my goals, which is a nice feeling after feeling so down over the weekend. It’s just that I am so uncomfortable in my own body. But this is the beginning. And I’m ready for it. *grin* Or so I’m going to keep telling myself!

So here I am, officially married for a month, just bought a dog, work as a social worker, trudge through grad school, driving myself up a wall trying to pull aspects of my life together, but it’s as if I’m walking up a down esclator and getting no where fast. I eat to comfort myself, and then I find myself eating just because that’s apparently what I do. So let’s see if blogging will give me an outlet to release a little tension.

If anyone has some words of wisdom for someone just starting, I am all ears!